Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Yes, Open the Fuddruckers (*Restrictions Apply)

I work for a tutoring company that was able to switch to online instruction, so I'm still earning nearly my usual income. Thus, I'm in an extraordinarily privileged position. I don't have to worry about food, rent, or other necessities; for me, the money is there.

But I know many, many others aren't as fortunate as I -- and I know that my own situation could change at any time. Indeed, the only reason I have work at the moment is that I'm the first-in-line senior instructor. In reality, our business has dropped off roughly 90%. All our other instructors have effectively been laid off, and my bosses are certainly not making the money they once did. Why? At a fundamental level, a tutoring business depends on the health of the economy. Parents pay for our service with their discretionary funds. If parents lose those funds, we become an unaffordable luxury.

If our society remains stuck on pause for much longer, the ripple effects will be more damaging than you can ever imagine. But evidently, some are unable to reflect upon these secondary and tertiary impacts. Some - like Patton Oswalt - think we can stay in and watch Netflix indefinitely. Some, to put it frankly, are completely divorced from reality.

The reason we locked down to begin with was to slow the spread of the coof so that our healthcare system wouldn't be overwhelmed. Yet now, certain people are demanding that we move the goalposts -- that we remain locked down until we've developed a vaccine or otherwise eradicated the danger of infection entirely. This is bat-crap insane. Keeping everyone at home and on the government teat is simply not sustainable. As a wise science fiction author once wrote, "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch."

I'm going to diverge from the usual responses to Oswalt's out-of-touch BS and say something bold: yes, this is about going to Fuddruckers. Do you know how many working class folks had jobs in those dining rooms before all this began? If we all started going to Fuddruckers again, we'd ensure the continued employment of many thousands of people! That's not putting money and comfort before lives; that's actually saving people from abject poverty and despair -- two things with documented mortality rates.

Of course, it's not only about going out for a burger. Large chains like Fuddruckers can probably absorb some loss when all is said and done. What really worries me is the coming destruction of Main Street USA -- all those mom-and-pop shops that can't protect themselves with a corporate shield. The tourist-trappy towns I love to visit - like North Conway Village, NH, or Gatlinburg, TN - depend on places like these. So too does my future place of residence just outside of Washington, VA. (I wonder: is Chef Patrick over at the Inn doing okay? If he goes under, my father will be crying in heaven.) (And what about Hackleys General Store? That place is literally the center of Amissville. If Hackleys folds, where will our future neighbors gather instead?) (Okay, enough with the anxious parentheticals, Steph, and get on with it!) Each threatened small business represents a family dream - and perhaps even a whole community - in peril. But we're just supposed to set that aside until the bat flu risk has been reduced to zero?

No: such a course is not rational, nor is it based on anything approaching "science." Science tells us we should limit the number of patrons we admit at a time, require masks, and disinfect surfaces after every use. It does not tell us to close down everything a government apparatchik considers "nonessential."

Bottom line at the end: The growing resentment of our politicians' continuing over-reach is wholly legitimate. People are losing their means of survival. If you're a celeb relaxing in a mansion - or a comfortable keyboard jockey who can work from home - you have no freakin' clue what's actually happening out here and should probably shut the eff up before you further cement my estimate of your rampant stupidity. Plz and kthx.

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